Transmorphers 2: The Fall of Man (2009)

Transmorphers 2: The Fall of Man (2009) is a movie that pins humans against morphers. They are able to transmorph into various threatening robots, occasionally with flying abilities. They also drive cars and shoot small lasers. Humans don't stand a chance. Or do they??

This film stars an unlikely cast of actors. They are in the beautiful town of Backersfield, California. In Backersfield, blackberry attack you! Not the other way around, as one might expect. Satellite dishes also turn into robots. And Nissan pathfinders unleash devastating attacks on military bases. Welcome to Obama's America!


Thankfully the humans are a resilient bunch. One woman is stabbed through the leg, but it's just a scratch, and she can run to safety. Another guy is an older gentleman who doesn't blink. This is helpful in fighting robots, because you may miss a lot when blinking.



Also finally humans aren't afraid to torture. A robot is waterboarded for information, which proves useful in infliltrating a Bulgarian compound. I cannot make this up. The writers of this film were really on to something with their social commentary.



There is also a good deal of pointless martyrdom, which I was happy to see. Sometimes six or seven people is just too much on screen, and I'm happy when one gives up his life to make my viewing experience more enjoyable. One uncle crashed his helicopter into an immobile robot, thereby making him more immoble, thankfully.

Man fell numerous times in this film; the title is accurate. The main character also tripped while trying to slow dance. And I think we can all relate to that.

Generally I thought this film was terrific. One could say it was trans-formational, though only time will tell how much it morphed me. Thanks to this film, I threw my blackberry out of my mom's Oldsmobile. I'll never know if my life was saved that fateful morning, on the way to Wendy's. We'll find out soon enough, in Transmorphers 3: The Remophing. "Five Stars."

Dakota Skye (2008)

Dakota Skye (2008) is a film about some stupid girl with a crush on a cute stoner boy named Jonah "Ian" Goldberg. He is a beautiful man with eyes you can just get lost in. She gets lost in his eyes, coincidentally. This stupid girl, who goes by Dakota (the place where she was conceived), is only medium cute. Thank G-d. I hate considerably cute girls. Anything more than medium is just unnecessary. Am I right guys??

Unfortunately, she is also with a man of many hairstyles. His name is Kevin? He is the only man who doesn't make her puke. Clearly she hasn't met me. I am quite unrepulsive. Anyways, she has to chose between these two stallions. This is easy, because she has a "super"power. She is able to see when others are lying, especially about Christopher Columbus, international jerk.

She can therefore see if Jonah quit the band or not, which is important. Don't want to give away any spoilers, but he did. Good for him. They were awful.

If you liked the film Garden State, you will be delighted that this film continues the story into a new "state." This state is Arizona, the Wal-Mart state. Jonah and Dakota drive off romantically to the Grand Canyon, the most romantic rock formation. They peer into an abyss and contemplate falling, face down or ass up.

Jonah is the Zach Braff of this film, and Dakota is like Natalie Portman, except unlikeable in every way, and not Jewish.

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I have watched this film several times and each time I am moved, literally. Off my couch. I wish to take a trip to Arizona, which looks delightful. It may help me discover myself with the help of a sarcastic high-schooler, though that may be illegal in this country. Regardless, I think this film is great. The "skye"'s the limit for this masterpiece, and you don't need to be in "Dakota" to watch it. It is available in the other 48 states, thankfully.



I wanna tell you that I like this movie, and I will. "Five Stars."

The Land that Time Forgot (2009)

The Land that Time Forgot (2009) is the newest offering from powerhouse director C. Thomas Howell. It offers all that you might expect, plus all that you might not expect. For one thing, there are dinosaurs -- huge ones, not those little chicken ones I hate. There are T-rexs and big dinosaur birds called "pterodactyls." They roam a small island also populated by eccentric explorers, Nazis, and C. Thomas Howell.

C.'s crew need to get off the island, but they are eaten one by one, or are assaulted by vicious Nazis out for blood. You see, there is no time in this "land forgotten". Therefore, Nazis still exist. However, they turn out to be good. Finally. A film that takes chances with Nazis. I can't stress enough how refreshing it is to see Nazis portrayed in a positive light. When will we hear their side of the story?

Anyways, C. is accompanied by his lovely wife and a captain who loves dragonflies. They are amazing, and he wants to be carried away by them. There is also a guy named "Stack," or "haystack" as he is often called in the film ("Hey Stack! Get off the ledge!"). Needless to say, he does not survive.



Another guy is played by Vince Vaughn's doppelganger (to borrow a Nazi term), and he sacrifices himself the benefit of the audience, who gets to see his brutal death at the hands of a dinosaur, which explodes. Rarely do I see explosions that so deeply satisfy me, and my hatred for slimy dinos.

What else do we see? Dinos on par with Jurassic Park demo reels. We see oil being refined in real-time. We see Nazis shoot at a T-Rex like they may have shot at Polish Jews only decades earlier. Thankfully they learn the meaning of tolerance when they allow themselves to deal with other whites temporarily. We see C. biting into rotten dino meat. Yum yum. Take that, vegetarians!

All in all I was satisfied with this film. C. Thomas Howell continues to "stay golden," ponyboy. His films are "outside" of my hate zone. I love them. I hope to see more from him, as I likely will. I give this film a resounding "Five Stars" for every friendly Nazi we met in the Land that Time Forgot.