Gamer (2009)

Gamer (2009) is a study of violence and pornography, set in a near-future populated by violent pornographers. It stars Gerard Butler and Ludacris, the dynamic duo. It also stars many females in various stages of undress. Finally, it stars a whale-like creep in a power chair. This is also a critique of the morbidly obese.

In the future, video games are now acted out by real people, "people" on death row. They have a choice -- die waiting for capital punishment, or die by Gerard Butler. The choice is simple. There is also a parallel world of single moms parading like strippers, in another game. Both games were created by Ken Castle, a mischievous southerner. It's up to Gerard Butler to stop him from making money, like he stopped Xerxes 4000 years ago.

We see a lot in this movie. There is a 17 year-old jerk who controls Butler, but finds salvation in the end by way of Ludacris. John Leguizamo played a creep who was viciously murdered while sweeping dirt in a dirt-bike rally. Doing God's work, if you will.

There was rollerblading, as one would expect in the future, and Marilyn Manson. Good to know he hasn't lost relevance, in the year 2089. Nor has the Bloodhound Gang. It's great that our children's children are revisiting the classics.

Watching this movie was like playing a game, in the most exciting way possible. I could almost picture myself in the heat of battle, controlled by a bratty 17 year-old. The filmmakers really touched on a lot of relevant issues as well, such as morbid obesity and the role of the female body in gaming. Rarely do I see films that are so smart, and so action-packed. It's a one-two punch, of reasons you should watch this film.


In the end, the guy who played Dexter got what was coming to him. I like that. Gerard is reunited with his wife and daughter, and Ludacris dies because of a blinking light. I felt like Gerard Butler invited me to a LAN party and I was "game" to go. The "ugly truth" about this movie is that I couldn't give it 300 stars, despite Gerard Butler's spear-throwing performance. "Five Stars!"

Wrong Side of Town (2010)

Wrong Side of Town (2010) is a movie about balance and consequences. It stars Rob Van Dam, a wrestler, and Batista, a wrassler. Ja Rule also makes an appearance, thankfully, as well as Omarion, who also makes an appearance.
Van Dam is Bobby Kalinowsky, a Polish pipe layer turned landscaper. He was also in the Navy SEALS, Polish division. Batista served on the force with him and now owns a strip bar. He goes by "Big Ronnie." Teenagers love his tattoos.

Van Dam is a simple family man, until he is approached by his black neighbor Clay, who invites him to an inner-city nightclub. He reluctantly puts on his bejeweled Ed Hardy tee and goes to town. Unbeknownst to him, the club is run by a vicious Buddhist with a bro for a son. This bro loves to party and do coke off his Jesus piece. I can relate to that, but not to when he tried to seduce Van Dam's wife! That's just unacceptable.

Anyways, this bro is killed and the Buddhist is out for revenge. He rounds up a gang of crust punks and ska enthusiasts, as well as fat bikers and Omarion. This is the rainbow coalition of cretins.


Van Dam can't do this alone, so he asks Big Ronnie for help. Big Ronnie runs a strip club full of shirtless females, but he is still a good man. He joins forces after his gang's mutiny forces him to shoot Ja Rule in the head. Poor Ja. First sucked into a vortex, now this (see: The Furnace, 2006).


More gangs try to kill Van Dam Warriors-style, but fail because Van Dam is an inhuman beast. He rips through several more goons to save his daughter, who is tied to a beam at the ol' abandoned pier, center of criminal activity. He slaps the Buddhist around a bit, and Big Ronnie is pummeled by a shaman. Thankfully, everything resolves itself and Van Dam's daughter falls in love with Ronnie's muscles. I smell a sequel!

Everything about this movie was great! I loved the credit sequences, which really showed the possibilities of Flash animation. I can learn a thing or two! Also, the music was top-notch. I loved the way metal and rap co-existed, as they often should. This was the bomb -- the Batista bomb that is! It was also a piledriver, and various other wrestling moves. "Five Stars."