Wrong Side of Town (2010)

Wrong Side of Town (2010) is a movie about balance and consequences. It stars Rob Van Dam, a wrestler, and Batista, a wrassler. Ja Rule also makes an appearance, thankfully, as well as Omarion, who also makes an appearance.
Van Dam is Bobby Kalinowsky, a Polish pipe layer turned landscaper. He was also in the Navy SEALS, Polish division. Batista served on the force with him and now owns a strip bar. He goes by "Big Ronnie." Teenagers love his tattoos.

Van Dam is a simple family man, until he is approached by his black neighbor Clay, who invites him to an inner-city nightclub. He reluctantly puts on his bejeweled Ed Hardy tee and goes to town. Unbeknownst to him, the club is run by a vicious Buddhist with a bro for a son. This bro loves to party and do coke off his Jesus piece. I can relate to that, but not to when he tried to seduce Van Dam's wife! That's just unacceptable.

Anyways, this bro is killed and the Buddhist is out for revenge. He rounds up a gang of crust punks and ska enthusiasts, as well as fat bikers and Omarion. This is the rainbow coalition of cretins.


Van Dam can't do this alone, so he asks Big Ronnie for help. Big Ronnie runs a strip club full of shirtless females, but he is still a good man. He joins forces after his gang's mutiny forces him to shoot Ja Rule in the head. Poor Ja. First sucked into a vortex, now this (see: The Furnace, 2006).


More gangs try to kill Van Dam Warriors-style, but fail because Van Dam is an inhuman beast. He rips through several more goons to save his daughter, who is tied to a beam at the ol' abandoned pier, center of criminal activity. He slaps the Buddhist around a bit, and Big Ronnie is pummeled by a shaman. Thankfully, everything resolves itself and Van Dam's daughter falls in love with Ronnie's muscles. I smell a sequel!

Everything about this movie was great! I loved the credit sequences, which really showed the possibilities of Flash animation. I can learn a thing or two! Also, the music was top-notch. I loved the way metal and rap co-existed, as they often should. This was the bomb -- the Batista bomb that is! It was also a piledriver, and various other wrestling moves. "Five Stars."