Dear readers. If you have been following me recently, you have noticed I am nowhere to be found. The eye-opening truth is that I have discovered something dire, and disconnected my internet for six months because of it.

What I discovered was a documentary called Eyeborgs. Eyeborgs stars a young Joey Ramone and his guitar-wielding companion, Danny Trejo. He exists in a dystopian future filled with adorable robotic cretins called Eyeborgs. They look at you, they see you, in many places. These places include the local punk rock establishment, the guitar shop, and the Oval Office.



The only place Eyeborgs are not allowed is the sexy carwash/ice cream parlor. How unfortunate, given the amount of eye-candy to be eyed.

The documentary opens with a bearded man buying a shotgun. Nothing to see here. He then "kills" a gun salesman and makes his way to the crust punk show, featuring international crust superstars Painful Daze. Unfortunately, these vegan thugs aren't impressed with his gun waving, and an Eyeborg is called.

Lets be frank. This man is a Marxist, in thought and beard-style. He is a lowly cretin and I support his apprehension.

I do not, however, support the subsequent scenes where eyeborgs tase him, bro. A line must be drawn.

Meanwhile, we are at war with Zimbekistan, finally. They are funding terrorists eager to assassinate the "President," a hologram dreamed up by robots, and somehow the uncle of our lovable punk rocker.



There are two reporters. One is a maternal white woman named Barbara, another is a sassy Puerto Rican with a history of drunken buffoonery. Thankfully, he gets lit on fire, a fitting punishment.

When I was watching this movie, my eyes were wide open. I could barely blink. The graceful movement of eyeborgs dazzled the screen, forcing you to look.

I thought this movie said a lot about the future, where human eyes are replaced by eyeborg eyes, and guitars are replaced with guitar bombs. It really opened MY eyes, which had been closed throughout the day prior. Let's just say, if you want a vision of the future, imagine an eyeborg, looking at you, forever. "Five Stars."