Thursday, June 28, 2012

Ferocious Planet (2011)

 Ferocious Planet (2011) is a film about human ingenuity, when faced with the onslaught of one sleepy dinosaur. John-Rhys Davies leads this all-star cast to certain death. Well, except for two. John-Rhys dies moments into the film, sending him back where he belongs, to Hell. Sorry, he's no Sean Connery -- he's better.

Anyways, the film takes place in an alternate reality. Quantum mechanics and simple algebra proves that it exists, and that you can see it, but not travel to it. Except when you do. The parallel universe is full of treacherous sinkholes, quicksand, and one huge-balled dinosaur. You should see the size of its gonads. Wow.

The crew is a diverse mix of whites and people in Hawaiian shirts, and a Black that chucks a spear ineffectually. There is also a guy who gets a pipe through his shoulder but lives to run unharmed through the jungle. Until he gets disembolwed by an angry dino. The Hawaiian shirt guy also gets stabbed repeatedly, a fitting solution for a fashion emergency.

My only complaint about the cast was that there was too much camouflage. I simply could not see the soldiers in some scenes. They were so well disguised. Thankfully two harpish females were there to draw attention to the one ferocious dinosaur. Good going ladies.

One of them was a jezebel who kissed the Black guy, leading him to a gruesome death. She then held the hand of the main chracter, which was more family-friendly.

I really enjoyed the resourcefulness of everyone in this movie. Some people knew how to make IEDs, others knew how to harvest dinosaur eggs for ammonia. Now I know how to commit suicide in an alternate reality, just by drinking a dinosaur egg.

Two words collide, leading the new dimension to be riddled with parking meters and IRS buildings. A libertarian's nightmare. There was also a computer that ran on fifty gallons of water and two dinosaur eggs. Again, resourcefulness.

If you like Jurassic Park, Jaws, and Predator, you will love this movie, because it is like all three, but better. There were even two references to Jaws, which I enjoyed, because it made me realize how much better this movie was. Seriously, a shark? Try a dinosaur with big balls. And variety-pack eggs. Deal of the century.

I think this movie deserves "five stars." There were at least five stars in this movie, including the dinosaur, who really struck a chord with me. I too enjoy drinking out of streams and bathing, contrary to popular belief. Do you not want a ferocious viewing experience that leaves you shrieking for more? Then stay far away from this movie. "Five Stars."