Dear readers. If you have been following me recently, you have noticed I am nowhere to be found. The eye-opening truth is that I have discovered something dire, and disconnected my internet for six months because of it.

What I discovered was a documentary called Eyeborgs. Eyeborgs stars a young Joey Ramone and his guitar-wielding companion, Danny Trejo. He exists in a dystopian future filled with adorable robotic cretins called Eyeborgs. They look at you, they see you, in many places. These places include the local punk rock establishment, the guitar shop, and the Oval Office.



The only place Eyeborgs are not allowed is the sexy carwash/ice cream parlor. How unfortunate, given the amount of eye-candy to be eyed.

The documentary opens with a bearded man buying a shotgun. Nothing to see here. He then "kills" a gun salesman and makes his way to the crust punk show, featuring international crust superstars Painful Daze. Unfortunately, these vegan thugs aren't impressed with his gun waving, and an Eyeborg is called.

Lets be frank. This man is a Marxist, in thought and beard-style. He is a lowly cretin and I support his apprehension.

I do not, however, support the subsequent scenes where eyeborgs tase him, bro. A line must be drawn.

Meanwhile, we are at war with Zimbekistan, finally. They are funding terrorists eager to assassinate the "President," a hologram dreamed up by robots, and somehow the uncle of our lovable punk rocker.



There are two reporters. One is a maternal white woman named Barbara, another is a sassy Puerto Rican with a history of drunken buffoonery. Thankfully, he gets lit on fire, a fitting punishment.

When I was watching this movie, my eyes were wide open. I could barely blink. The graceful movement of eyeborgs dazzled the screen, forcing you to look.

I thought this movie said a lot about the future, where human eyes are replaced by eyeborg eyes, and guitars are replaced with guitar bombs. It really opened MY eyes, which had been closed throughout the day prior. Let's just say, if you want a vision of the future, imagine an eyeborg, looking at you, forever. "Five Stars."

Termination Point (2008)

Termination Point (2008) is a film about vortexes, and the danger that lies within them. It stars Lou Diamond Phillips as a "scientist" and Jason Priestley as a chill policeman.

In this film, Lou Diamond has developed a teleportation device that takes you into "nullspace," the land of perpetual lightning bolts. This space is a dimension between worlds. The first world is 29 Palms, California, and the second world is somehow worse.

This film also stars Ethan Hawke, as a gangster with a fetish for mentally-challenged blonde girls. I couldn't blame him, and neither could his partner, a fellow terrorist hired by a rogue agent to stop Lou Diamond from teleporting a plane. This proved difficult, as Lou Diamond is a resiliant teleporter.

Meanwhile, Jason Priestley is raiding Wal-Marts to look for a security box filled with blackberry teleporters. He is slowed down by double agents double fisting guns, but that doesn't stop him entirely, because he succeeds. Turns out it was in a piggy bank all along! What a dumbass.

The sky vortex also shoots lasers, capable of vaporizing hillbillies and their sports utility vehicles. What a shame. It is expanding from the size of a department store to the size of the universe. The whole of suburban America is at stake.


Also, a plane travels back in time, to minutes prior to the present -- a great use of time-traveling technology. This allows Jason Priestly to send a vital text message showing Lou Diamond looking angry, and thereby saving the world. He is able to enjoy his Mexican vacation in peace, leaving room for a sequel.


There is also a turncoat agent, fresh out of high school, and Jason Priestly wears a Hawaiian shirt for most of the movie. This satisfied me, because it lessened the tension as he shot through a suburban strip mall. This film had a great mix of action and science, showing the real life of time-traveling Boeings in space.

This film terminates at the exact point I wished it would, at the ending. It was well-paced, and Ethan Hawke played a convincing terrorist, though it may have been just his stunt double from Before Sunrise. I give this film "Five Stars," the maximum amount of stars I can give. Unless you live in null-space, you have no excuse to miss this film. "Five Stars!"

Direct Contact (2009)

Direct Contact (2009) is a movie starring Dolph Lundgren, a Swedish-American arms trafficker stuck in a minimum security prison in Bulgaria somewhere. Bulgaria is a war-torn country full of fur-wearing warlords, who make Milosevic look like a lamb in wolf's clothing.

Dolph has to rescue a young girl captured by Vlado, a boorish snow beast. She is then kidnapped by Dolph himself, begging the question, who kidnaps the kidnappers?

In any case, they slowly make their way through Sofia, Bulgaria with snipers on their tail. The chase scenes are very meticulous and detailed, alowing you to take in the beautiful Buglarian cityscape, complete with McDonalds and trash can fires. There is some really good cinematography in this movie, especially when cars are traversing small obstacles. I liked the way tanks rolled over outdoor patios, causing widespread panic.


Another warlord called Drago is the main villian, alongside several other main villians. Early in the film he genocides a whole family, and kills several more babushkas in the process. Thankfully, the ends justify the means.


Also, gypsys are killed in vast numbers. That is what they get for joyfully celebrating on trains or hanging out in chandelier-lit sewers.

Nothing can stop Dolph, however, not even an entire Balkan army. Where was he in '94? Could have saved us a lot of trouble!

At the end, the main bad guy gets exploded while falling off a railing. This satisfied me, as well as Dolph who smirked slightly at the sight. He and his kidnap victim lived happily ever after, possibly in Stockholm where no kidnappers go unloved.

I have to say I really felt great watching this film. I never knew Bulgaria was as bad as Romania until watching this movie. I implore you to "directly" "contact" your local video store and acquire such a film. You will not be disappointed. "Five Stars."

Gamer (2009)

Gamer (2009) is a study of violence and pornography, set in a near-future populated by violent pornographers. It stars Gerard Butler and Ludacris, the dynamic duo. It also stars many females in various stages of undress. Finally, it stars a whale-like creep in a power chair. This is also a critique of the morbidly obese.

In the future, video games are now acted out by real people, "people" on death row. They have a choice -- die waiting for capital punishment, or die by Gerard Butler. The choice is simple. There is also a parallel world of single moms parading like strippers, in another game. Both games were created by Ken Castle, a mischievous southerner. It's up to Gerard Butler to stop him from making money, like he stopped Xerxes 4000 years ago.

We see a lot in this movie. There is a 17 year-old jerk who controls Butler, but finds salvation in the end by way of Ludacris. John Leguizamo played a creep who was viciously murdered while sweeping dirt in a dirt-bike rally. Doing God's work, if you will.

There was rollerblading, as one would expect in the future, and Marilyn Manson. Good to know he hasn't lost relevance, in the year 2089. Nor has the Bloodhound Gang. It's great that our children's children are revisiting the classics.

Watching this movie was like playing a game, in the most exciting way possible. I could almost picture myself in the heat of battle, controlled by a bratty 17 year-old. The filmmakers really touched on a lot of relevant issues as well, such as morbid obesity and the role of the female body in gaming. Rarely do I see films that are so smart, and so action-packed. It's a one-two punch, of reasons you should watch this film.


In the end, the guy who played Dexter got what was coming to him. I like that. Gerard is reunited with his wife and daughter, and Ludacris dies because of a blinking light. I felt like Gerard Butler invited me to a LAN party and I was "game" to go. The "ugly truth" about this movie is that I couldn't give it 300 stars, despite Gerard Butler's spear-throwing performance. "Five Stars!"

Wrong Side of Town (2010)

Wrong Side of Town (2010) is a movie about balance and consequences. It stars Rob Van Dam, a wrestler, and Batista, a wrassler. Ja Rule also makes an appearance, thankfully, as well as Omarion, who also makes an appearance.
Van Dam is Bobby Kalinowsky, a Polish pipe layer turned landscaper. He was also in the Navy SEALS, Polish division. Batista served on the force with him and now owns a strip bar. He goes by "Big Ronnie." Teenagers love his tattoos.

Van Dam is a simple family man, until he is approached by his black neighbor Clay, who invites him to an inner-city nightclub. He reluctantly puts on his bejeweled Ed Hardy tee and goes to town. Unbeknownst to him, the club is run by a vicious Buddhist with a bro for a son. This bro loves to party and do coke off his Jesus piece. I can relate to that, but not to when he tried to seduce Van Dam's wife! That's just unacceptable.

Anyways, this bro is killed and the Buddhist is out for revenge. He rounds up a gang of crust punks and ska enthusiasts, as well as fat bikers and Omarion. This is the rainbow coalition of cretins.


Van Dam can't do this alone, so he asks Big Ronnie for help. Big Ronnie runs a strip club full of shirtless females, but he is still a good man. He joins forces after his gang's mutiny forces him to shoot Ja Rule in the head. Poor Ja. First sucked into a vortex, now this (see: The Furnace, 2006).


More gangs try to kill Van Dam Warriors-style, but fail because Van Dam is an inhuman beast. He rips through several more goons to save his daughter, who is tied to a beam at the ol' abandoned pier, center of criminal activity. He slaps the Buddhist around a bit, and Big Ronnie is pummeled by a shaman. Thankfully, everything resolves itself and Van Dam's daughter falls in love with Ronnie's muscles. I smell a sequel!

Everything about this movie was great! I loved the credit sequences, which really showed the possibilities of Flash animation. I can learn a thing or two! Also, the music was top-notch. I loved the way metal and rap co-existed, as they often should. This was the bomb -- the Batista bomb that is! It was also a piledriver, and various other wrestling moves. "Five Stars."

Not Without My Daughter (1991)

Not Without My Daughter (1991) is Not Without its merits. It stars Sally Fields and Alfred Molina as Mahmoud "Moody" Mahmadinejad, a Persian. It also stars a collection of tanned Israelis and possible Kurds. The story is simple. Moody is an accomplished doctor and Sally is his loyal wife, living in America, land of free eagles. One day Moody's coworkers poke fun at his foreign newspaper and his emerging unibrow, causing him great shame. He subsequently moves to Iran, the land of unibrows.

But Not Without his daughter! And his wife, Sally Fields. The times are fun at first -- a goat is slaughtered next to their taxi and armed fashionistas crack down on Sally's bangs. Then things go sour, like a Persian yogurt drink. Moody's family are overbearing Muslims with a hankering for oppressing women. Also there is a war apparently. Who could have guessed?? War in the Middle East!

Moody becomes more cruel and oppressive as his skin grows darker, and his beard grows thicker. He is completing his transformation into a full-fledged Persian. Sally will have none of it, and tries to escape with her daughter, not without her daughter.


Thankfully, a British/Indian hybrid helps her along, with the help of a gang of shifty-eyed Kurds. One of whom is a compulsive snuggler. Finally Sally escapes to Turkey, America's number one ally, and land of free turkeys, and Turks.

We learn from this movie that Iran is a primitive, backwards country. It's full of ayatollahs and flying nuns. It is not a place you want to visit, especially during wartime, or anytime (except the summer -- when the gardens are nice.)


If you are a spouse, don't visit, or prepare to be abused. Or, just watch the film from your living room and live vicariously! This movie earns as many stars as there are pillars in Islam, five. You can even watch this film five times a day, for the ultimate religious experience. As they say in Iran somewhere, "پنج ستاره!"

Transmorphers 2: The Fall of Man (2009)

Transmorphers 2: The Fall of Man (2009) is a movie that pins humans against morphers. They are able to transmorph into various threatening robots, occasionally with flying abilities. They also drive cars and shoot small lasers. Humans don't stand a chance. Or do they??

This film stars an unlikely cast of actors. They are in the beautiful town of Backersfield, California. In Backersfield, blackberry attack you! Not the other way around, as one might expect. Satellite dishes also turn into robots. And Nissan pathfinders unleash devastating attacks on military bases. Welcome to Obama's America!


Thankfully the humans are a resilient bunch. One woman is stabbed through the leg, but it's just a scratch, and she can run to safety. Another guy is an older gentleman who doesn't blink. This is helpful in fighting robots, because you may miss a lot when blinking.



Also finally humans aren't afraid to torture. A robot is waterboarded for information, which proves useful in infliltrating a Bulgarian compound. I cannot make this up. The writers of this film were really on to something with their social commentary.



There is also a good deal of pointless martyrdom, which I was happy to see. Sometimes six or seven people is just too much on screen, and I'm happy when one gives up his life to make my viewing experience more enjoyable. One uncle crashed his helicopter into an immobile robot, thereby making him more immoble, thankfully.

Man fell numerous times in this film; the title is accurate. The main character also tripped while trying to slow dance. And I think we can all relate to that.

Generally I thought this film was terrific. One could say it was trans-formational, though only time will tell how much it morphed me. Thanks to this film, I threw my blackberry out of my mom's Oldsmobile. I'll never know if my life was saved that fateful morning, on the way to Wendy's. We'll find out soon enough, in Transmorphers 3: The Remophing. "Five Stars."

Dakota Skye (2008)

Dakota Skye (2008) is a film about some stupid girl with a crush on a cute stoner boy named Jonah "Ian" Goldberg. He is a beautiful man with eyes you can just get lost in. She gets lost in his eyes, coincidentally. This stupid girl, who goes by Dakota (the place where she was conceived), is only medium cute. Thank G-d. I hate considerably cute girls. Anything more than medium is just unnecessary. Am I right guys??

Unfortunately, she is also with a man of many hairstyles. His name is Kevin? He is the only man who doesn't make her puke. Clearly she hasn't met me. I am quite unrepulsive. Anyways, she has to chose between these two stallions. This is easy, because she has a "super"power. She is able to see when others are lying, especially about Christopher Columbus, international jerk.

She can therefore see if Jonah quit the band or not, which is important. Don't want to give away any spoilers, but he did. Good for him. They were awful.

If you liked the film Garden State, you will be delighted that this film continues the story into a new "state." This state is Arizona, the Wal-Mart state. Jonah and Dakota drive off romantically to the Grand Canyon, the most romantic rock formation. They peer into an abyss and contemplate falling, face down or ass up.

Jonah is the Zach Braff of this film, and Dakota is like Natalie Portman, except unlikeable in every way, and not Jewish.

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I have watched this film several times and each time I am moved, literally. Off my couch. I wish to take a trip to Arizona, which looks delightful. It may help me discover myself with the help of a sarcastic high-schooler, though that may be illegal in this country. Regardless, I think this film is great. The "skye"'s the limit for this masterpiece, and you don't need to be in "Dakota" to watch it. It is available in the other 48 states, thankfully.



I wanna tell you that I like this movie, and I will. "Five Stars."

The Land that Time Forgot (2009)

The Land that Time Forgot (2009) is the newest offering from powerhouse director C. Thomas Howell. It offers all that you might expect, plus all that you might not expect. For one thing, there are dinosaurs -- huge ones, not those little chicken ones I hate. There are T-rexs and big dinosaur birds called "pterodactyls." They roam a small island also populated by eccentric explorers, Nazis, and C. Thomas Howell.

C.'s crew need to get off the island, but they are eaten one by one, or are assaulted by vicious Nazis out for blood. You see, there is no time in this "land forgotten". Therefore, Nazis still exist. However, they turn out to be good. Finally. A film that takes chances with Nazis. I can't stress enough how refreshing it is to see Nazis portrayed in a positive light. When will we hear their side of the story?

Anyways, C. is accompanied by his lovely wife and a captain who loves dragonflies. They are amazing, and he wants to be carried away by them. There is also a guy named "Stack," or "haystack" as he is often called in the film ("Hey Stack! Get off the ledge!"). Needless to say, he does not survive.



Another guy is played by Vince Vaughn's doppelganger (to borrow a Nazi term), and he sacrifices himself the benefit of the audience, who gets to see his brutal death at the hands of a dinosaur, which explodes. Rarely do I see explosions that so deeply satisfy me, and my hatred for slimy dinos.

What else do we see? Dinos on par with Jurassic Park demo reels. We see oil being refined in real-time. We see Nazis shoot at a T-Rex like they may have shot at Polish Jews only decades earlier. Thankfully they learn the meaning of tolerance when they allow themselves to deal with other whites temporarily. We see C. biting into rotten dino meat. Yum yum. Take that, vegetarians!

All in all I was satisfied with this film. C. Thomas Howell continues to "stay golden," ponyboy. His films are "outside" of my hate zone. I love them. I hope to see more from him, as I likely will. I give this film a resounding "Five Stars" for every friendly Nazi we met in the Land that Time Forgot.