Satan's Little Helper (2004)

Satan's Little Helper is a Halloween-themed family movie. It stars a young Ben Stein and Honeybunny from Pulp Fiction, a similar film. The young boy, Dougie, starts off the film playing a popular video game where you throw trash lids at old ladies. He ends up being an accessory to murder. This film has a developed story arc.


The villain in this movie is a masked murderer. He wears a mask, and a dress, and kills literally several people. He goes by the name of Satan, but it is unclear whether he truly is the prince of Darkness, or just your everyday psychopath. Nevertheless, his mask was quite frightening. His wavy hair and goat horns terrified me. His smile was quite devilish.


Dougie, who is possibly retarded, becomes his helper -- his "little helper" if you will. The young boy needs a role model, and who better than the Angel of the Bottomless Pit? Better than my dad, at least.

Together they go on adventures, often with gory results. In one scene a cat is brutally beaten, showing Satan's strength and ferocity. Satan is so evil he even leaves a grocery store without paying. Wow, so evil. I was steaming at this scene, like a vegetable. I wanted to teach Satan a lesson about responsibility.


Dougie's equally challenged sister believes Satan is really her boyfriend Alex in disguise. This leads to a sexy encounter, witnessed by the rest of her dysfunctional family. Joke's on her! This man is not Alex, but Lucifer, Ruler of Demons.


The masked murderer's killing spree sparks rioting in the streets, naturally. Many stores are looted and vacuums are taken -- anarchy ensues. The three cops in the town are killed, leaving the entire city of White Plains, New York unprotected from desperate whites on the lookout for bargains.

Meanwhile, Satan and Dougie bond. Satan enjoys playing with toys and getting to know Dougie, and disemboweling his father. You gotta take the good with the bad. Then Satan takes Dougie's mom out to a date! To a big castle, where he proceeds to suffocate her and spike the punch with delicious Drano. What a gentleman. He certainly is the Father of Lies, the Serpent of Old.

Satan is a devilish genius! A degenius, if you will. He "tricks" the family three times by dressing corpses up in his gown, and "treats" the audience to viewing this scene. This same stupid family shot at convenient dummies twice, and fell for another disguise. However, I likely would do the same in their situation, because tense situations mean irrational actions. Plus, you never know what you get when you're dealing with Satan, the Roaring Lion.

I'm not going to "disguise" my love for this film. It is real. Hypothetically, let's the say the Mark of the Beast was five. This is how I would reference the amount of stars this film gets: five. "Five Stars!"

Twilight: New Moon (2009)

Twilight: New Moon (2009) is the sequel to the successful film Twilight: First Moon (2008). Both films are based off a book.

It pins vampires against werewolves, mortal enemies, except both are immortal. The vampire from the last movie is back. He is as beautiful as ever, and spends much of the movie crying or getting done crying. He also sparkles in the sunlight, as one would expect.

This time there is also other eye candy, in the form of a giant wolf. This wolf transmorphs into a buff Native American. He was so large, I could not believe his size. We are talking about his gigantic muscles. I was understandably impressed with his body. The young girl of the film, Bella, is also impressed, since she takes him to a film called Face Punch, which sadly does not exist. Movie studios, pay attention. This film must be made!

Anyways, Bella must choose between the vampire or the werewolf, a choice we can all relate to. She cares about her crying beau, enough to drive to Italy to save him from showing himself to a vampire hate group. They are the Ku Klux Klan of the vampire world. One could call them the Vu Vlux Vlan.

She doesn't choose her other suitor, because he hangs with shirtless bros (gay!) and is prone to domestic violence, like all Indians.


As an aside, I have no Native American friends. I have never met a single one.

Edward the vampire is then judged by three eccentric vamps. One of them looked really bored. He obviously wasn't watching Twlight: New Moon.

In the meantime, some "female" was hunting Bella and trying to capture her, for some reason. This proved particularly difficult because Bella could escape by nearly drowning. Clever girl!

Edward dissapears for a short time during the film, to do soul-searching. He still stays with her, however, in the form of nagging visions that tell her to stay home. It's my mom in vamp form, but with more make-up. Robert Smith would have been proud of this man, so much make-up.

Long story short, this film sucked... blood! It was great, much like the first film, but with the added feature of werewolves. It also contained my favorite touching indie rock songs, which made it easy for me to know when to feel sad. This was very often.

I love this movie. If you have a girlfriend, take her to see it. She will take you to see Face Punch in return, when it hits theaters, in 2012. "Five Stars."

2012 (2012)

2012 is a disaster of a film. But, don't get me wrong! It's just about disasters. It's set in the very near future (2012) where everything is going bad, and it's up to the Chinese to save us... once again.

John Cusack is an accomplished writer and family man. He loves his son, who hates him. He also hates camping. Nevertheless, they go camping in Yellowstone, population one: Woody Harrelson.

Woody (you may remember him from Annie Hall) plays a demented talk-show host with a passion for volcanic conspiracies. There is a lot of geology talk in this film, which is easy to follow, thankfully. He tells Cusack about an impending disaster predicted by illiterate Mayan peasants three thousand years ago. This disaster comes to life in the most exciting way possible, through film.

Cusack's a bit of an action star. Remember Say Anything? I don't. But anyways, he does his fair share of action in this film, driving past old people and searching through Woody Harrelson's RV. He also helps pilot a plane, which takes them to the mystical land of Tibet.

Along the way they run into a disgusting Russian billionaire, who selfishly helps them along. This man is the definition of a Russian: unlikeable in every way -- and very, very rich. Like all Russians, he has two fat children and drives a voice-operated Bentley. And he has his own jet.


Another star in this film is Danny Glover. He plays a black president (another one?!) but he is a good man. Also in the film is a young geologist, who cares about his Indian friend, who subsequently dies in a giant tsunami.

Let's talk about action. This movie was a non-stop, "five star" thrill ride. It was like twelve Titanics in one, except thankfully there was no story. Buildings collapsed and trains flew, and Yellowstone turned into a park of great magma-tude. There was also a good scene where the fat Russian fell into a pit. He deserved it for greedily saving his children.


The film ends happily, with billions of dead poor people. Thankfully, a handful of rich oligarchs survive with the intention of colonizing Africa (again?!). Also there is a Tibetan guy and Cusack's children, who will likely be providing labor for the entire community. There are also giraffes and rhinos, and two of every other animal. Noah I mean?

Lift your ass and watch this movie, for Sasha, who died, in this film. He was a great man, despite himself. Don't wait until 2012 to watch this film, since you will likely be dead. "Five Stars."

Half Past Dead 2 (2007)

Half Past Dead 2 (2007) is the sequel to Half Past Dead 1, a "five star" action film starring Steven Seagal. This time around, we have famous wrestler Goldberg and unfamous rapper Kurupt breaking out of prison. This movie is just as good as the first film. Also, if you enjoyed the first film, you will find yourself satisfied with the flashbacks. They remind us that the first film happened, and it was "five stars."

The movie starts with Kurupt. He is still in Alcatraz, the prison from the first film. It is inescapable, and run by a jerk with a neck tattoo. Kurupt's best friend is a dweeb sent to prison for hacking, but they get in fights often. Such is life with friends.

Anyways, for these reasons and more, Kurupt must leave to a bigger prison in Missouri. Here he meets Bill Goldberg, who plays Bill "Berg" Burke in the film. He is a monstrosity in every sense of the word. I was taken aback by how large this man is. I did not know men got so large.

To re-emphasize this point, Bill Goldberg is a small beast. He is more animal than man; he is a manimal. He is also the only Jewish man in prison, evidenced by the fact that every ethnic group has a clique except the Rabbinical Torah-readers. This is why he eats alone (and kosher!) in the cafeteria.Somehow, Kurupt and Goldberg become unlikely friends. This proves that skinny black rappers and gigantic Jewish hulks can get along.

They join forces in fighting against a Mexican gangbanger and a Ben Kingsley-look alike. Expect no Gandhi in this movie, however. This film is all about action, action, action. Lights, camera, action!
The prison fight scenes were top-notch. I enjoyed the way Goldberg pummeled his way through scores of Mexicans. They fell down like dreidels at a child's Hanukkah celebration, attended by Goldberg.

We are reminded in the film that Goldberg is innocent, and he cares about his tiny daughter, which he saves in the last scene of the film. We also know that Kurupt is looking for treasure, and finds it in the scene after the last scene.

The story works itself out when Goldberg gets $80 million dollars, a Jew's fantasy. Kurupt lives out the rest of his days as Snoop Dogg, a much better rapper. His bickering girlfriend is also happy, therefore I'm happy.

Rarely do I see a film that satisfies me as much as this movie. Everything came together so perfectly. I'm happy Cortez got what he deserves, which is the head-sized fist of a monstrous Jew. Oi vey, what a fist!

This film has one less star than the points of the Star of David - "Five," much like the star of Satan. However, there is nothing devilish about enjoying this film. Please, by all means, watch!

Lone Hero (2002)

Lone Hero (2002) is a movie about stepping up to the plate, and hitting some balls. Sean "Patrick" Flannery is a cowardly method actor at the start of the film, but ends up being an ass-kicker by the end. Whose ass does he kick? None other than accomplished Native American actor Lou "Diamond" Phillips.

Lou is a vicious biker. Like all bikers, he is in a gang. He is set on terrorizing small towns for tens of dollars, which is his job -- let's just say, he is adequately qualified.

First off, let's set the scene. It's in Montana, a Third World country. There are apparently no cell phones, and two incompetent morons run the city jail. The small town makes money through Old West reenactments, a flourishing industry when no other industries exist. Also there are jobless hicks who live in trailers and occasionally people play pool. Welcome to the Wild, Wild West.

The town gets taken over by multicultural bikers who want to save Lou Diamond Phillips from dying of boredom. Unfortunately, they are generally incompetent and have terrible aim. They are also out of shape and diabetic. They may also be anemic, who knows. Except for Lou, who is the pinnacle of manhood.

Somehow, Sean "Patrick" Flannery outwits scores of bikers by standing behind them, where they can't see him. This leads to numerous biker deaths. It is a biker massacre. "Five Stars."

You may recognize the biker second-in-command from the film Digimon, where he plays a snowboarder. He gets killed fairly easily, because he crashed into a barrel (watch out!). There is also a "five star" scene where he rides a train meant for toddlers. This really developed his character as an inept moron with a dumb sense of humor.


Sean's not alone. He's got a fellow jobless hick with bad hair and two bros by his side. One is forgettable, another is a juggalo (presumably). He used a shotgun and shot a biker. Also he fell off a railing, but was saved by hay. We can all learn a lesson here about hay.

The end fighting scene was also great. It was an Old West-style shootout between Sean and Lou since all the other bikers were killed or left immobile. I like the soundtrack choices, which sounded like Yo La Tengo mixed with DJ Tiesto. And who doesn't like those artists? At least together.

The bottom line is: Lone Hero is an enjoyable film. It has all of the elements of a movie, and then some. If you like the Old West, or want to learn more about the inner-workings of biker gangs, this film is for you. This film is a "Diamond" in the rough of Old West-themed biker movies. "Pat" yourself on the back if you rent this movie, and then watch it. "Five Stars!"

Obsessed (2009)

Obsessed (2009) is an erotic thriller; I was both aroused and thrilled.

It stars Beyonce Knowles (also known as Beyonce) and Idris Elba as Derek, a beautiful Nigerian with a passion for boring hip-hop. The two of them are in love and have an ugly baby. Along comes Ali Larter, a plain-looking white girl with great legs. You can't resist those legs!

She works at an office building planning Christmas parties alongside Derek, who is a vice president of some company. She is a temp... or temptress? Or both? ... or neither?

Anyways, Derek is a faithful man who just loves getting sloshed with his bros. He would never cheat on his wife, no matter how great the legs are. But this temp (let's call her Lisa), has other plans. She is an obsessive, creepy weirdo with a passion for statuesque black men, and won't let anything stand in her way!

What follows is thrilling. This movie delivers a lot of suspense and action. There are great computer scenes and a lot of office meetings. There are about five employees in the company, one of whom is a gossiping gay man who will tell you anything for a cosmo. He loves to gossip, and knows all about unavailable men! Girls, if you ever have problems with men, he is the go-to gay for all your stupid problems.

Lisa keeps trying to cheat with Derek, but, like any self-respecting Nigerian, he refuses. But, as we know, "no" just means "yes" to a woman, so she keeps at it. Talk about a real-life situation! I know all about resisting beautiful women.
Anyways, ebony and ivory collide when Lisa and Beyonce have an all-out brawl at the end of the film, because they can't settle their problems like rational human beings. I enjoyed the fight for its cat-like ferocity, but still -- talk it out girls!

This film taught me a lot about women. First of all, they are crazy, possessive hags who don't listen to reason. Second, they like Benzos. Thirdly, they don't stand by their man. I really don't know why they are popular to begin with.

Also, who trusts gays? Especially with secrets. This movie taught me to never reveal my deepest secrets to a gay, since it will be around the office in no time.

In short, I'm "crazy in love" with this movie, to quote a song. I recommend you see it before a woman ruins your life, just as one has ruined mine. "Five Stars!"

Envy (2005)

Envy is a movie about getting to the top of the drug game. It stars Ray J, world-famous entertainer. It also stars AZ. You may remember him from one good song. It also stars literally hundreds of other people. This film is really putting the Detroit acting community to work!

Anyways, Envy deals with the complex, interpersonal relationships between drug dealers. Their emotions include, but are not limited to, envy.

AZ runs the streets in the suburbs. He sells various drugs and hangs out in his bathrobe. Ray J is a young up-and-comer who loves the feeling of being envied. He loves it when people see him drive in cars and walk into clubs, and who doesn't? Love seeing Ray J do that.

In the end, AZ and Ray J both get a lot of money and spend it in the strip club. They also buy giant houses and don't furnish them. A lot of people are killed along the way, because McMansions don't pay for themselves!

It was unclear to me during the film what exactly AZ's crew does. At one point they appear to strip other men of their clothes, revealing uncomfortable-looking jockstraps. At other points in the film, they appear to shoot innocent loiterers. Thank G-d, doing the community a service.

But sometimes they sell drugs in the form of styrofoam, which I do not approve of. But strangely I strongly sympathized with the characters, especially that of Rio -- who appeared several times in the film.

I enjoyed the use of many actors. There was literally a fresh face in every shot! It never got old to me, being introduced to new people. I felt like I was at a party, hosted by Ray J. Also it was nice that 90% of the movie took place inside cars. As you may know, Detroit is known for its cars.


If you've ever listened to Ray J's music, you know what to expect here: pure satisfaction. I can't stress enough how happy I was during the ending, where nothing was resolved. It left me thirsty for more, and envious. Also, the soundtrack contains lots of gentle elevator music. It really set the mood for drug deals gone wrong!

Watch this movie, please, for the love of Ray J. Since this movie had so many stars (in the cast), I am left without an option but to give it.... "Five Stars!"