2012 is a disaster of a film. But, don't get me wrong! It's just about disasters. It's set in the very near future (2012) where everything is going bad, and it's up to the Chinese to save us... once again.
John Cusack is an accomplished writer and family man. He loves his son, who hates him. He also hates camping. Nevertheless, they go camping in Yellowstone, population one: Woody Harrelson.
Woody (you may remember him from Annie Hall) p
lays a demented talk-show host with a passion for volcanic conspiracies. There is a lot of geology talk in this film, which is easy to follow, thankfully. He tells Cusack about an impending disaster predicted by illiterate Mayan peasants three thousand years ago. This disaster comes to life in the most exciting way possible, through film.Cusack's a bit of an action star. Remember Say Anything? I don't. But anyways, he does his fair share of action in this film, driving past old people and searching through Woody Harrelson's RV. He also helps pilot a plane, which takes them to the mystical land of Tibet.
Along the way they run into a disgusting Russian billionaire, who selfishly helps them along. This man is the definition of a Russian: unlikeable in every way -- and very, very rich. Like all Russians, he has two fat children and drives a voice-operated Bentley. And he has his own jet.
Another star in this film is Danny Glover. He plays a black president (another one?!) but he is a good man. Also in the film is a young geologist, who cares about his Indian friend, who subsequently dies in a giant tsunami.
Let's talk about action. This movie was a non-stop, "five star" thrill ride. It was like twelve Titanics in one, except thankfully there was no story. Buildings collapsed and trains flew, and Yellowstone turned into a park of great magma-tude. There was also a good scene where the fat Russian fell into a pit. He deserved it for greedily saving his children.
The film ends happily, with billions of dead poor people. Thankfully, a handful of rich oligarchs survive with the intention of colonizing Africa (again?!). Also there is a Tibetan guy and Cusack's children, who will likely be providing labor for the entire community. There are also giraffes and rhinos, and two of every other animal. Noah I mean?
Lift your ass and watch this movie, for Sasha, who died, in this film. He was a great man, despite himself. Don't wait until 2012 to watch this film, since you will likely be dead. "Five Stars."
I haven't seen this film yet, but I can tell from your review it will be "five stars" as you say. But I do have one complaint. Why is it that all this happens in 2012 when clearly it can't be 2012. First of all, 2012 will be a much more exciting year except for the part where the ground falls apart. Also, what's up with Africa.
ReplyDeleteDear G Sleaze-slinger,
ReplyDelete2012 will be a terrible year, if this movie is an indication. Thankfully I will be on the boat to survival while you will not. I know this because my father is a rich baron. He is the Red Baron, and he has never steered me wrong.
You on the other hand, are a peasant. I am a bald eagle and you are a pheasant. This is the nature of my relationship with you, "dear" commentator (sarcasm alert!!!).
I suggest you fast forward to 2012 when you will be screaming out for my help, and I will be waving to you from a gold-plated helicopter.
Sincerely,
Eli "Red Baron" Junior
Dear Red Baron,
ReplyDeleteKnow that I will not listen to anything you say. I will never hear your words because they are an offense to everything right and decent, including the "supposed" "gold-plated helicopter." Ridiculous. Truly "Ridiculous". In what lifetime could gold fly... It is too heavy. Even in such a thin layer it would destroy the integrity of your "helicopter".
G Seelinger (the only "true" spelling)
P.S. can we not fight so much? I think it would be better if we made peace, because if we don't, I will rain down the faux-apocalyptic destruction of 2012 all over your house(blog).