Obsessed (2009)

Obsessed (2009) is an erotic thriller; I was both aroused and thrilled.

It stars Beyonce Knowles (also known as Beyonce) and Idris Elba as Derek, a beautiful Nigerian with a passion for boring hip-hop. The two of them are in love and have an ugly baby. Along comes Ali Larter, a plain-looking white girl with great legs. You can't resist those legs!

She works at an office building planning Christmas parties alongside Derek, who is a vice president of some company. She is a temp... or temptress? Or both? ... or neither?

Anyways, Derek is a faithful man who just loves getting sloshed with his bros. He would never cheat on his wife, no matter how great the legs are. But this temp (let's call her Lisa), has other plans. She is an obsessive, creepy weirdo with a passion for statuesque black men, and won't let anything stand in her way!

What follows is thrilling. This movie delivers a lot of suspense and action. There are great computer scenes and a lot of office meetings. There are about five employees in the company, one of whom is a gossiping gay man who will tell you anything for a cosmo. He loves to gossip, and knows all about unavailable men! Girls, if you ever have problems with men, he is the go-to gay for all your stupid problems.

Lisa keeps trying to cheat with Derek, but, like any self-respecting Nigerian, he refuses. But, as we know, "no" just means "yes" to a woman, so she keeps at it. Talk about a real-life situation! I know all about resisting beautiful women.
Anyways, ebony and ivory collide when Lisa and Beyonce have an all-out brawl at the end of the film, because they can't settle their problems like rational human beings. I enjoyed the fight for its cat-like ferocity, but still -- talk it out girls!

This film taught me a lot about women. First of all, they are crazy, possessive hags who don't listen to reason. Second, they like Benzos. Thirdly, they don't stand by their man. I really don't know why they are popular to begin with.

Also, who trusts gays? Especially with secrets. This movie taught me to never reveal my deepest secrets to a gay, since it will be around the office in no time.

In short, I'm "crazy in love" with this movie, to quote a song. I recommend you see it before a woman ruins your life, just as one has ruined mine. "Five Stars!"