FarCry (2008)

Far Cry is a "far cry" from a bad movie. It is a terrific movie. Uwe Boll delivers all the goods: action, steamy sexual encounters, emotional Germans! Everything you can ask for, in one muscular package.

The film begins with whale watching. Anyone who's been whale watching before, knows that it's a pain in the neck! You never see any whales! Neither did the couple, and I don't blame their frustration. If you pay to see whales, you should see them!

Anyways, the excitement doesn't stop there. You see, Jack "Carver" (if that is his real name) is not only a whale-watching tour guide, but he is also an ex-Special Forces agent who spends most of his time drinking in a boat. However he is not a drunk. This is an important distinction made in the movie.

Imagine his surprise when he finds himself on an island surrounded by unstoppable super-soldiers! It's quite a departure from the usual whales, but he's a "Jack" of all trades.

These super-soldiers are really just modified Germans, able to deflect bullets and run as fast as said bullets. They are also swole and bald. They are an army of Billy Corgans, except swole.



Anyways, it's up to Jack and his soulmate Valerie (played by Emanuelle Vaugier -- remember her??) to stop an evil scientist from painting his emotions. There is also the "food guy," played by Tom Arnold's little brother Chris "Arnold" Coppola. He is quite the sidekick! Sometimes this movie got too intense and I needed some comic relief. Coppola went above and beyond my expectations! He gets "five" gold stars from me.

Far Cry is a Uwe Boll film, so you know what to expect. First off, great cinematography. I love Uwe's passion for nature and people traversing nature. There were many shots of the Canadian countryside that just left me in "uwe" (awe)! I made a mental note to visit there one day! It looks like a great place.

Second, there's action, almost in every scene. Some scenes were so action-packed that I was looking for the one frame there was no action. It was like looking for a needle in a stack of other needles, and the needles were action. You're gonna wanna plug in your rumble packs for this one, boys!
Third, this really gives you the bang for your buck! Not only is the film great, it goes on forever! And what's better than a great film that doesn't end? Literally nothing. Uwe Boll knows to deliver a great value for a fair price. He's like the Arby's of the movie world. Yum!

This is an excellent example of my favorite genre of films, those based on video games (can you say "Boll-ywood"?). I don't actually play video games, but I enjoy their stories! And what better way to tell a story than through the medium of film?

Uwe Boll gets "five stars" from me. This film is among his best work, and that's saying a lot of the man who brought you Bloodrayne II: The Return of Bloodrayne. I think his movies just keep getting better (like a fine wine, as I've heard), and I look forward to his future adaptations of games I haven't heard of.

I swear, I will "cry" if you don't see this un-"far"-gettable movie. "Five Stars!"

Headless Horseman (2007)

Headless Horseman is a film. It is about teenagers going to a party, but they get sidetracked, due to a bear trap. This "traps" them in the local town of Wormwood, Romania. There they are greeted by unfriendly Slavs with a taste for blood. You see, every seven years at "All Hallow's Eve," a headless horse "man" comes out of his cellar to attack young tourists. This has been happening for as long as there have been cell phones in Romania.

This time, the tourists are ready to strike back.... or be stricken? You find out. When you watch the film.

The film stars an unlikely cast of white college students. They are very familiar with the work of Washington Irving, who is apparently a huge poser. This is an important lesson in the film. Don't believe everything you read!

Another topic this film addresses is the tyranny of librarians. I have had many bad experiences with librarians in the past, so I could relate to Headless Horseman. Here they are portrayed as who they truly are: vicious inbreeds who don't like to share! Books, that is. Especially books that explain how to defeat the headless horseman, at least not without a library card (what fascists!).

Anyways, escaping the town is really hard, as there is one path littered with several bear traps. Escaping proves especially difficult when the young cast encounters a friendly sheriff, who subsequently kills himself by shooting his own gas tank. The locals prove to be a threatening bunch as well. Early in the film, the students are assaulted by greedy street urchins. Later they are "chased" by slow-moving Slavs. Finally, Walt Whitman shoots a Romanian police officer. He really buries him in the "leaves of grass," one could say.

A few of these kids lose their heads... literally! They also figuratively lose their heads, due to their traumatic experiences in Romania. It is a terrible country.

As an aside, I have many Romanian friends. They have taught me their pick-pocketing ways. But for their country -- I have no sympathy.


Usually I don't notice dialogue in my movies, but in this film -- it was "five stars." There were many oral sex jokes, which satisfied me. People lost their heads in several scenes, often with gory results. My favorite scene was when a Romanian shopkeeper was tortured by a hammer.

The soundtrack was a great mix of Hank Williams b-sides and Neil Young experimental guitar work. They really captured the spirit of Romania. A nice southern belle is in the film. She ends up being an unlikely ally, despite the fact that she is potentially an inbred freak. And you just can't trust those inbreeds!

A warning to readers: this film is scary. Don't watch it with a lady, unless you want her grabbing your arm by the end of the night! There were literally times when I was on the end of my couch, watching the screen. I don't see movies like this often!

So in conclusion: if you don't watch this film, you are a headless moron. This movie rules, so "head" to the movie store and "head" home with this film! It will blow your "head" off. Please, just do it now. For your "head's" sake. "Five Stars!"

Zombie Wars (2006)

Zombie Wars aka War of the Living Dead aka Z-Wars is a "five star" movie. As the title suggests, this film chronicles a war between Maoist revolutionaries and slow-moving zombies. In other zombie movies, the ghouls are often terrifying and capable. Not in this film! Here these "z's" are sitting ducks, except instead of ducks, they're zombies.

Despite this, the ghouls get the upper hand and set up a work camp for breeding hipsters. When the hipsters mature, they get eaten. But a certain group of ragtag revolutionaries want to put a stop to this organic farming. Thankfully, nothing stands in their way.

First, a word on the camps. Humans are kept in unlocked cages and fed carrots by twenty gentle zombies. As a result, they grow lean and tender. Yum yum, a zombie might say!



On the other end of the meadow is the revolutionary camp, filled with determined bros seeking to liberate the slaves from z'oppression (zombie oppression). Two bros are literally brothers, while others are just douchebags with eyebrow piercings and mohawks.

One bro enters the work camp and creates chaos. He befriends a creepy weirdo who creepily helps him escape. This man should be awarded the Oscar for creepiness. I was blown away by how unlikable he was in every scene!

Many inept zombies are killed in the process, including the mom and dad of some guy in a cabin. He organizes fancy dinner parties with old people and secretly funds the zombie work camp, which in turn provides him with vegetables for his dinner parties. This is like the Iran-Contra of the zombie world.

The plot wasn't the only "five star" thing about this movie. Zombie beheadings were numerous and satisfying in nature. The scene wipes were memorable triangles with "whoosh" noises that really made you feel like you were watching a movie. I like that!

All in all this was a pretty fantastic movie. I recognized many indie folk stars in the cast, as well as assorted other hipsters I know (I'm a pretty cool guy!). Richard D. James makes a surprise appearance as the creepy creepster who sucks. There is some nice eye candy in this movie, mostly in the form of females. I enjoyed the way guns were used, which was liberally.



I really can't say a whole lot about this movie. It's just one of those things you have to experience for yourself. You'll be dead to me if you don't watch this movie, whoever you are. Z-Wars is z'outrageous! "Five Stars."

Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991)

Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991) is a film about redemption. It stars everyone's favorite Swede, Dolph Lundgren. You may remember him from the band ABBA. It also stars Brandon Lee, everyone's favorite son of Bruce Lee. It also stars many Asians, who are subsequently killed.

Lee and Dolph are an unlikely duo. Dolph is a statuesque Swede fluent in Japanese and Lee is a total moron. Thankfully this works out somehow. Especially since they take on the entire Yakuza, who are dangerous cretins. They also enjoy taking baths together and watching Tia Carerre sing.

But back to the plot. You see, the Yakuza have "manufactured" a "drug" called "ice." This is worse than crack, according to a black lady. And if it reaches the US (which it has), it will be a pandemic (which it's not.... yet). Also the leader of the Yakuza killed Dolph's parents, and is Shang-Tsung from Mortal Kombat (199?). He wears flowery shirts and has a passion for ritual rape and decapitation. He is a complex man.

A lot of this movie involves Dolph ripping open shirts of other men. This left me satisfied, because there were too many shirts left buttoned. He is also nude in one scene, thankfully.

Similarly, Lee and Dolph whack on each other throughout the film. I'll leave this open to interpretation.

In terms of women, there are some. One of them is the aforementioned Tia Carrera, who is a singer. Even though she holds a huge shotgun, she kills no one in the film. Dolph is around to do the killing. He is the modern-day Pol Pot -- he killed so many Asians. Wow! "Five Stars."


As a disclaimer, I have many Asian friends. They have taught me their dragon ways, and I respect the culture. However, in terms of the Yakuza -- I have no sympathy.

What else is there to say about the plot? Lots, but I will skip it in favor of talking about Dolph's penis. It is gigantic, according to Brandon Lee. This is literally a line in the film. This left me satisfied, because I was extremely curious about Dolph Lundgren's girth.



To improve on the already multicultural element of the film (Japan meets Sweden!), there are black and Hispanic gangbangers too, as well as white trash bikers -- reminding us that criminal activity can bridge the racial divide and bring us together.

The action scenes are "five stars." The abundant nudity is "five stars." Decapitation is "five stars." But the most "five star" part of this film is the lessions it taught us.
1) Japanese people are very dangerous.
2) We must value people's sexual choices, especially that of Brandon "The Crow" Lee.
3) Diversity is an important part of a globalizing, multicultural world. If we learn to understand other people's differences, we may find ourselves appreciating and loving our own culture more! For example, I have converted my own house into a dojo, thanks to this film. It taught me a lot about the value of paper walls.



For these reasons and more, I am compelled to give Showdown in Little Tokyo a resounding "Five Stars." As they say in the land of the Japanese, "Bonzai!"

7 Mummies (2006)

7 Mummies (2006) is a movie about escaped convicts on the search for treasure! They find this treasure, buried deep in the Arizona desert, surrounded by mummies. What follows is an exciting tale of love, mummies, and betrayal.

This movie stars Noreaga, Danny Trejo, and the guy from Torque. You may know Noreaga from his raps, which are quite excellent, as is his acting, in this film.

Often, movies just have one mummy. This one had at least three, from what I could garner. Not only were they mummies, but they were martial arts mummies of the Jesuit persuasion. What a "five star" idea! It really adds a level of depth usually unseen in other mummy films, such as The Mummy (1999) starring Brendan "I hate mummies" Fraser.

Enough about mummies, let's talk about ghouls, baby! There are a lot of ghouls to be had, often in Old West-style outfits and Cradle of Filth-style makeup. Willie Nelson is briefly in this movie, or he is a relative of Willie Nelson (they look a lot alike!).

These four or so convicts are on the hunt for treasure. They develop a special bond with each other that may only be described as "touching." A woman is present and she falls in love with the lead convict, and who can blame her? He's gorgeous.

Danny Trejo pulls off another stunning performance. In this film, he foreshadows about the danger that will come to the convicts if they search for the treasure. Then he continues to laugh menacingly for several minutes. I really felt the emotion in his laugh. It made me think that the convicts were in for a bad surprise!



All of the action sequences were "five stars." I especially enjoyed how the sound stopped working briefly during the main action sequence. It really forced you to focus on the action at hand, and it was action-packed.

And talk about the music! It was like DJ Muggs and the rock band Saliva were just chilling one day, and decided to come together, to score a film. 7 Mummies was the film they scored!

Expect a lot of rapping, and guitar metal. It really heightens up the action, especially the last scene, which is a race between a motorcycle and a mummy on the horse. Who wins? You have to watch the movie to find out!

I like to keep my reviews (and my movies) PG-13, but I gotta say, the sex scenes were titillating! You can guess why, it has something to do with a certain female. But I won't ruin the scene for you. Just know, boys, you are in for a treat!

The film starts with two guys grunting and dragging a coffin, and ends the same way! Lets just say, I was grunting with satisfaction when the movie ended. Drag yourself to the movie store and rent this right away! You will not be dissapointed. 7 Mummies: "Five Stars!"

Double Team (1997)

Double Team is a movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman as a power couple determined to stop a shirtless terrorist from blowing up a baby. This is the ultimate "five star" movie. It has everything you would ever want, plus more.

To start off, Dennis Rodman is in this film. He is an actor. He brings his personality to the film and lights up the screen. Included with Dennis Rodman are his "five star" hair styles and basketball puns, reminding us that he is a man of many talents. Among them are acting and basketball.



Jean-Claude Van Damme is also in this movie. You may remember him from his recent film JCVD. He tackles a difficult role as a husband and father, as well as a trained homosexual. There are many parts in this film that lead one to speculate about Van Damme's supposed "homosexuality," especially a scene where he is having sex with a bathtub.

He and Rodman also have an unmistakable chemistry. A wife is also involved, but she is less important.

The most "five star" part of this movie is the abundance of glass-breaking. This will really blow you away. People go through glass often, almost in every scene. No one is ever cut by the glass, which is understandable since this movie stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman, men of steel.

The plot is incomprehensible, just how I like it. There are parts of this film that could be cut out and the story would make just as much sense, if not more. There is an entire sequence about a secret island/gay resort that is literally lifted from the film The Prisoner, another "five star" movie. On this island they monitor terrorist activities from their visors and comment about what they would do differently. This is an important service they provide under threat of underwater lasers.

Miraculously, Van Damme escapes via dangling from an airplane. This is a "five star" scene. He meets up with Rodman who is hanging out with transvestites in Belgium, and they decide to go skydiving.

I should also mention that they go skydiving inside an inflatable basketball. Talk about a "five star" idea. Again we are reminded that Dennis Rodman played for the Chicago Bulls at one point, before he became an accomplished actor.

What else is there? Lots. Lots of great scenes and explosive dialogue. Plus literal explosions, most of which involve Van Damme jumping in front of said explosions. Thankfully they carry him to safety every time.

In one explosion sequence, everyone is saved by a Coca-Cola vending machine. Thank G-d for Coca-Cola!

There are lots of reasons why Double Team (1997) is a "five star" movie. First, there is action. Second, there is high fashion. The soundtrack is a great mix of cinematic orchestra and gay dance anthems feat. Dennis Rodman. Van Damme kicked a tiger and Mickey Rourke, who is also in this film, has his shirt off most of the time (for the ladies).

I would highly recommend this film. I was satisfied near the end when the story was resolved and everyone got what they deserved, especially the one guy from the Island, who watched Dennis Rodman perform an amusing magic trick before driving away.

Bottom line: Great film. "Five Stars"