Satan's Little Helper (2004)

Satan's Little Helper is a Halloween-themed family movie. It stars a young Ben Stein and Honeybunny from Pulp Fiction, a similar film. The young boy, Dougie, starts off the film playing a popular video game where you throw trash lids at old ladies. He ends up being an accessory to murder. This film has a developed story arc.


The villain in this movie is a masked murderer. He wears a mask, and a dress, and kills literally several people. He goes by the name of Satan, but it is unclear whether he truly is the prince of Darkness, or just your everyday psychopath. Nevertheless, his mask was quite frightening. His wavy hair and goat horns terrified me. His smile was quite devilish.


Dougie, who is possibly retarded, becomes his helper -- his "little helper" if you will. The young boy needs a role model, and who better than the Angel of the Bottomless Pit? Better than my dad, at least.

Together they go on adventures, often with gory results. In one scene a cat is brutally beaten, showing Satan's strength and ferocity. Satan is so evil he even leaves a grocery store without paying. Wow, so evil. I was steaming at this scene, like a vegetable. I wanted to teach Satan a lesson about responsibility.


Dougie's equally challenged sister believes Satan is really her boyfriend Alex in disguise. This leads to a sexy encounter, witnessed by the rest of her dysfunctional family. Joke's on her! This man is not Alex, but Lucifer, Ruler of Demons.


The masked murderer's killing spree sparks rioting in the streets, naturally. Many stores are looted and vacuums are taken -- anarchy ensues. The three cops in the town are killed, leaving the entire city of White Plains, New York unprotected from desperate whites on the lookout for bargains.

Meanwhile, Satan and Dougie bond. Satan enjoys playing with toys and getting to know Dougie, and disemboweling his father. You gotta take the good with the bad. Then Satan takes Dougie's mom out to a date! To a big castle, where he proceeds to suffocate her and spike the punch with delicious Drano. What a gentleman. He certainly is the Father of Lies, the Serpent of Old.

Satan is a devilish genius! A degenius, if you will. He "tricks" the family three times by dressing corpses up in his gown, and "treats" the audience to viewing this scene. This same stupid family shot at convenient dummies twice, and fell for another disguise. However, I likely would do the same in their situation, because tense situations mean irrational actions. Plus, you never know what you get when you're dealing with Satan, the Roaring Lion.

I'm not going to "disguise" my love for this film. It is real. Hypothetically, let's the say the Mark of the Beast was five. This is how I would reference the amount of stars this film gets: five. "Five Stars!"

Twilight: New Moon (2009)

Twilight: New Moon (2009) is the sequel to the successful film Twilight: First Moon (2008). Both films are based off a book.

It pins vampires against werewolves, mortal enemies, except both are immortal. The vampire from the last movie is back. He is as beautiful as ever, and spends much of the movie crying or getting done crying. He also sparkles in the sunlight, as one would expect.

This time there is also other eye candy, in the form of a giant wolf. This wolf transmorphs into a buff Native American. He was so large, I could not believe his size. We are talking about his gigantic muscles. I was understandably impressed with his body. The young girl of the film, Bella, is also impressed, since she takes him to a film called Face Punch, which sadly does not exist. Movie studios, pay attention. This film must be made!

Anyways, Bella must choose between the vampire or the werewolf, a choice we can all relate to. She cares about her crying beau, enough to drive to Italy to save him from showing himself to a vampire hate group. They are the Ku Klux Klan of the vampire world. One could call them the Vu Vlux Vlan.

She doesn't choose her other suitor, because he hangs with shirtless bros (gay!) and is prone to domestic violence, like all Indians.


As an aside, I have no Native American friends. I have never met a single one.

Edward the vampire is then judged by three eccentric vamps. One of them looked really bored. He obviously wasn't watching Twlight: New Moon.

In the meantime, some "female" was hunting Bella and trying to capture her, for some reason. This proved particularly difficult because Bella could escape by nearly drowning. Clever girl!

Edward dissapears for a short time during the film, to do soul-searching. He still stays with her, however, in the form of nagging visions that tell her to stay home. It's my mom in vamp form, but with more make-up. Robert Smith would have been proud of this man, so much make-up.

Long story short, this film sucked... blood! It was great, much like the first film, but with the added feature of werewolves. It also contained my favorite touching indie rock songs, which made it easy for me to know when to feel sad. This was very often.

I love this movie. If you have a girlfriend, take her to see it. She will take you to see Face Punch in return, when it hits theaters, in 2012. "Five Stars."

2012 (2012)

2012 is a disaster of a film. But, don't get me wrong! It's just about disasters. It's set in the very near future (2012) where everything is going bad, and it's up to the Chinese to save us... once again.

John Cusack is an accomplished writer and family man. He loves his son, who hates him. He also hates camping. Nevertheless, they go camping in Yellowstone, population one: Woody Harrelson.

Woody (you may remember him from Annie Hall) plays a demented talk-show host with a passion for volcanic conspiracies. There is a lot of geology talk in this film, which is easy to follow, thankfully. He tells Cusack about an impending disaster predicted by illiterate Mayan peasants three thousand years ago. This disaster comes to life in the most exciting way possible, through film.

Cusack's a bit of an action star. Remember Say Anything? I don't. But anyways, he does his fair share of action in this film, driving past old people and searching through Woody Harrelson's RV. He also helps pilot a plane, which takes them to the mystical land of Tibet.

Along the way they run into a disgusting Russian billionaire, who selfishly helps them along. This man is the definition of a Russian: unlikeable in every way -- and very, very rich. Like all Russians, he has two fat children and drives a voice-operated Bentley. And he has his own jet.


Another star in this film is Danny Glover. He plays a black president (another one?!) but he is a good man. Also in the film is a young geologist, who cares about his Indian friend, who subsequently dies in a giant tsunami.

Let's talk about action. This movie was a non-stop, "five star" thrill ride. It was like twelve Titanics in one, except thankfully there was no story. Buildings collapsed and trains flew, and Yellowstone turned into a park of great magma-tude. There was also a good scene where the fat Russian fell into a pit. He deserved it for greedily saving his children.


The film ends happily, with billions of dead poor people. Thankfully, a handful of rich oligarchs survive with the intention of colonizing Africa (again?!). Also there is a Tibetan guy and Cusack's children, who will likely be providing labor for the entire community. There are also giraffes and rhinos, and two of every other animal. Noah I mean?

Lift your ass and watch this movie, for Sasha, who died, in this film. He was a great man, despite himself. Don't wait until 2012 to watch this film, since you will likely be dead. "Five Stars."

Half Past Dead 2 (2007)

Half Past Dead 2 (2007) is the sequel to Half Past Dead 1, a "five star" action film starring Steven Seagal. This time around, we have famous wrestler Goldberg and unfamous rapper Kurupt breaking out of prison. This movie is just as good as the first film. Also, if you enjoyed the first film, you will find yourself satisfied with the flashbacks. They remind us that the first film happened, and it was "five stars."

The movie starts with Kurupt. He is still in Alcatraz, the prison from the first film. It is inescapable, and run by a jerk with a neck tattoo. Kurupt's best friend is a dweeb sent to prison for hacking, but they get in fights often. Such is life with friends.

Anyways, for these reasons and more, Kurupt must leave to a bigger prison in Missouri. Here he meets Bill Goldberg, who plays Bill "Berg" Burke in the film. He is a monstrosity in every sense of the word. I was taken aback by how large this man is. I did not know men got so large.

To re-emphasize this point, Bill Goldberg is a small beast. He is more animal than man; he is a manimal. He is also the only Jewish man in prison, evidenced by the fact that every ethnic group has a clique except the Rabbinical Torah-readers. This is why he eats alone (and kosher!) in the cafeteria.Somehow, Kurupt and Goldberg become unlikely friends. This proves that skinny black rappers and gigantic Jewish hulks can get along.

They join forces in fighting against a Mexican gangbanger and a Ben Kingsley-look alike. Expect no Gandhi in this movie, however. This film is all about action, action, action. Lights, camera, action!
The prison fight scenes were top-notch. I enjoyed the way Goldberg pummeled his way through scores of Mexicans. They fell down like dreidels at a child's Hanukkah celebration, attended by Goldberg.

We are reminded in the film that Goldberg is innocent, and he cares about his tiny daughter, which he saves in the last scene of the film. We also know that Kurupt is looking for treasure, and finds it in the scene after the last scene.

The story works itself out when Goldberg gets $80 million dollars, a Jew's fantasy. Kurupt lives out the rest of his days as Snoop Dogg, a much better rapper. His bickering girlfriend is also happy, therefore I'm happy.

Rarely do I see a film that satisfies me as much as this movie. Everything came together so perfectly. I'm happy Cortez got what he deserves, which is the head-sized fist of a monstrous Jew. Oi vey, what a fist!

This film has one less star than the points of the Star of David - "Five," much like the star of Satan. However, there is nothing devilish about enjoying this film. Please, by all means, watch!

Lone Hero (2002)

Lone Hero (2002) is a movie about stepping up to the plate, and hitting some balls. Sean "Patrick" Flannery is a cowardly method actor at the start of the film, but ends up being an ass-kicker by the end. Whose ass does he kick? None other than accomplished Native American actor Lou "Diamond" Phillips.

Lou is a vicious biker. Like all bikers, he is in a gang. He is set on terrorizing small towns for tens of dollars, which is his job -- let's just say, he is adequately qualified.

First off, let's set the scene. It's in Montana, a Third World country. There are apparently no cell phones, and two incompetent morons run the city jail. The small town makes money through Old West reenactments, a flourishing industry when no other industries exist. Also there are jobless hicks who live in trailers and occasionally people play pool. Welcome to the Wild, Wild West.

The town gets taken over by multicultural bikers who want to save Lou Diamond Phillips from dying of boredom. Unfortunately, they are generally incompetent and have terrible aim. They are also out of shape and diabetic. They may also be anemic, who knows. Except for Lou, who is the pinnacle of manhood.

Somehow, Sean "Patrick" Flannery outwits scores of bikers by standing behind them, where they can't see him. This leads to numerous biker deaths. It is a biker massacre. "Five Stars."

You may recognize the biker second-in-command from the film Digimon, where he plays a snowboarder. He gets killed fairly easily, because he crashed into a barrel (watch out!). There is also a "five star" scene where he rides a train meant for toddlers. This really developed his character as an inept moron with a dumb sense of humor.


Sean's not alone. He's got a fellow jobless hick with bad hair and two bros by his side. One is forgettable, another is a juggalo (presumably). He used a shotgun and shot a biker. Also he fell off a railing, but was saved by hay. We can all learn a lesson here about hay.

The end fighting scene was also great. It was an Old West-style shootout between Sean and Lou since all the other bikers were killed or left immobile. I like the soundtrack choices, which sounded like Yo La Tengo mixed with DJ Tiesto. And who doesn't like those artists? At least together.

The bottom line is: Lone Hero is an enjoyable film. It has all of the elements of a movie, and then some. If you like the Old West, or want to learn more about the inner-workings of biker gangs, this film is for you. This film is a "Diamond" in the rough of Old West-themed biker movies. "Pat" yourself on the back if you rent this movie, and then watch it. "Five Stars!"

Obsessed (2009)

Obsessed (2009) is an erotic thriller; I was both aroused and thrilled.

It stars Beyonce Knowles (also known as Beyonce) and Idris Elba as Derek, a beautiful Nigerian with a passion for boring hip-hop. The two of them are in love and have an ugly baby. Along comes Ali Larter, a plain-looking white girl with great legs. You can't resist those legs!

She works at an office building planning Christmas parties alongside Derek, who is a vice president of some company. She is a temp... or temptress? Or both? ... or neither?

Anyways, Derek is a faithful man who just loves getting sloshed with his bros. He would never cheat on his wife, no matter how great the legs are. But this temp (let's call her Lisa), has other plans. She is an obsessive, creepy weirdo with a passion for statuesque black men, and won't let anything stand in her way!

What follows is thrilling. This movie delivers a lot of suspense and action. There are great computer scenes and a lot of office meetings. There are about five employees in the company, one of whom is a gossiping gay man who will tell you anything for a cosmo. He loves to gossip, and knows all about unavailable men! Girls, if you ever have problems with men, he is the go-to gay for all your stupid problems.

Lisa keeps trying to cheat with Derek, but, like any self-respecting Nigerian, he refuses. But, as we know, "no" just means "yes" to a woman, so she keeps at it. Talk about a real-life situation! I know all about resisting beautiful women.
Anyways, ebony and ivory collide when Lisa and Beyonce have an all-out brawl at the end of the film, because they can't settle their problems like rational human beings. I enjoyed the fight for its cat-like ferocity, but still -- talk it out girls!

This film taught me a lot about women. First of all, they are crazy, possessive hags who don't listen to reason. Second, they like Benzos. Thirdly, they don't stand by their man. I really don't know why they are popular to begin with.

Also, who trusts gays? Especially with secrets. This movie taught me to never reveal my deepest secrets to a gay, since it will be around the office in no time.

In short, I'm "crazy in love" with this movie, to quote a song. I recommend you see it before a woman ruins your life, just as one has ruined mine. "Five Stars!"

Envy (2005)

Envy is a movie about getting to the top of the drug game. It stars Ray J, world-famous entertainer. It also stars AZ. You may remember him from one good song. It also stars literally hundreds of other people. This film is really putting the Detroit acting community to work!

Anyways, Envy deals with the complex, interpersonal relationships between drug dealers. Their emotions include, but are not limited to, envy.

AZ runs the streets in the suburbs. He sells various drugs and hangs out in his bathrobe. Ray J is a young up-and-comer who loves the feeling of being envied. He loves it when people see him drive in cars and walk into clubs, and who doesn't? Love seeing Ray J do that.

In the end, AZ and Ray J both get a lot of money and spend it in the strip club. They also buy giant houses and don't furnish them. A lot of people are killed along the way, because McMansions don't pay for themselves!

It was unclear to me during the film what exactly AZ's crew does. At one point they appear to strip other men of their clothes, revealing uncomfortable-looking jockstraps. At other points in the film, they appear to shoot innocent loiterers. Thank G-d, doing the community a service.

But sometimes they sell drugs in the form of styrofoam, which I do not approve of. But strangely I strongly sympathized with the characters, especially that of Rio -- who appeared several times in the film.

I enjoyed the use of many actors. There was literally a fresh face in every shot! It never got old to me, being introduced to new people. I felt like I was at a party, hosted by Ray J. Also it was nice that 90% of the movie took place inside cars. As you may know, Detroit is known for its cars.


If you've ever listened to Ray J's music, you know what to expect here: pure satisfaction. I can't stress enough how happy I was during the ending, where nothing was resolved. It left me thirsty for more, and envious. Also, the soundtrack contains lots of gentle elevator music. It really set the mood for drug deals gone wrong!

Watch this movie, please, for the love of Ray J. Since this movie had so many stars (in the cast), I am left without an option but to give it.... "Five Stars!"

FarCry (2008)

Far Cry is a "far cry" from a bad movie. It is a terrific movie. Uwe Boll delivers all the goods: action, steamy sexual encounters, emotional Germans! Everything you can ask for, in one muscular package.

The film begins with whale watching. Anyone who's been whale watching before, knows that it's a pain in the neck! You never see any whales! Neither did the couple, and I don't blame their frustration. If you pay to see whales, you should see them!

Anyways, the excitement doesn't stop there. You see, Jack "Carver" (if that is his real name) is not only a whale-watching tour guide, but he is also an ex-Special Forces agent who spends most of his time drinking in a boat. However he is not a drunk. This is an important distinction made in the movie.

Imagine his surprise when he finds himself on an island surrounded by unstoppable super-soldiers! It's quite a departure from the usual whales, but he's a "Jack" of all trades.

These super-soldiers are really just modified Germans, able to deflect bullets and run as fast as said bullets. They are also swole and bald. They are an army of Billy Corgans, except swole.



Anyways, it's up to Jack and his soulmate Valerie (played by Emanuelle Vaugier -- remember her??) to stop an evil scientist from painting his emotions. There is also the "food guy," played by Tom Arnold's little brother Chris "Arnold" Coppola. He is quite the sidekick! Sometimes this movie got too intense and I needed some comic relief. Coppola went above and beyond my expectations! He gets "five" gold stars from me.

Far Cry is a Uwe Boll film, so you know what to expect. First off, great cinematography. I love Uwe's passion for nature and people traversing nature. There were many shots of the Canadian countryside that just left me in "uwe" (awe)! I made a mental note to visit there one day! It looks like a great place.

Second, there's action, almost in every scene. Some scenes were so action-packed that I was looking for the one frame there was no action. It was like looking for a needle in a stack of other needles, and the needles were action. You're gonna wanna plug in your rumble packs for this one, boys!
Third, this really gives you the bang for your buck! Not only is the film great, it goes on forever! And what's better than a great film that doesn't end? Literally nothing. Uwe Boll knows to deliver a great value for a fair price. He's like the Arby's of the movie world. Yum!

This is an excellent example of my favorite genre of films, those based on video games (can you say "Boll-ywood"?). I don't actually play video games, but I enjoy their stories! And what better way to tell a story than through the medium of film?

Uwe Boll gets "five stars" from me. This film is among his best work, and that's saying a lot of the man who brought you Bloodrayne II: The Return of Bloodrayne. I think his movies just keep getting better (like a fine wine, as I've heard), and I look forward to his future adaptations of games I haven't heard of.

I swear, I will "cry" if you don't see this un-"far"-gettable movie. "Five Stars!"

Headless Horseman (2007)

Headless Horseman is a film. It is about teenagers going to a party, but they get sidetracked, due to a bear trap. This "traps" them in the local town of Wormwood, Romania. There they are greeted by unfriendly Slavs with a taste for blood. You see, every seven years at "All Hallow's Eve," a headless horse "man" comes out of his cellar to attack young tourists. This has been happening for as long as there have been cell phones in Romania.

This time, the tourists are ready to strike back.... or be stricken? You find out. When you watch the film.

The film stars an unlikely cast of white college students. They are very familiar with the work of Washington Irving, who is apparently a huge poser. This is an important lesson in the film. Don't believe everything you read!

Another topic this film addresses is the tyranny of librarians. I have had many bad experiences with librarians in the past, so I could relate to Headless Horseman. Here they are portrayed as who they truly are: vicious inbreeds who don't like to share! Books, that is. Especially books that explain how to defeat the headless horseman, at least not without a library card (what fascists!).

Anyways, escaping the town is really hard, as there is one path littered with several bear traps. Escaping proves especially difficult when the young cast encounters a friendly sheriff, who subsequently kills himself by shooting his own gas tank. The locals prove to be a threatening bunch as well. Early in the film, the students are assaulted by greedy street urchins. Later they are "chased" by slow-moving Slavs. Finally, Walt Whitman shoots a Romanian police officer. He really buries him in the "leaves of grass," one could say.

A few of these kids lose their heads... literally! They also figuratively lose their heads, due to their traumatic experiences in Romania. It is a terrible country.

As an aside, I have many Romanian friends. They have taught me their pick-pocketing ways. But for their country -- I have no sympathy.


Usually I don't notice dialogue in my movies, but in this film -- it was "five stars." There were many oral sex jokes, which satisfied me. People lost their heads in several scenes, often with gory results. My favorite scene was when a Romanian shopkeeper was tortured by a hammer.

The soundtrack was a great mix of Hank Williams b-sides and Neil Young experimental guitar work. They really captured the spirit of Romania. A nice southern belle is in the film. She ends up being an unlikely ally, despite the fact that she is potentially an inbred freak. And you just can't trust those inbreeds!

A warning to readers: this film is scary. Don't watch it with a lady, unless you want her grabbing your arm by the end of the night! There were literally times when I was on the end of my couch, watching the screen. I don't see movies like this often!

So in conclusion: if you don't watch this film, you are a headless moron. This movie rules, so "head" to the movie store and "head" home with this film! It will blow your "head" off. Please, just do it now. For your "head's" sake. "Five Stars!"

Zombie Wars (2006)

Zombie Wars aka War of the Living Dead aka Z-Wars is a "five star" movie. As the title suggests, this film chronicles a war between Maoist revolutionaries and slow-moving zombies. In other zombie movies, the ghouls are often terrifying and capable. Not in this film! Here these "z's" are sitting ducks, except instead of ducks, they're zombies.

Despite this, the ghouls get the upper hand and set up a work camp for breeding hipsters. When the hipsters mature, they get eaten. But a certain group of ragtag revolutionaries want to put a stop to this organic farming. Thankfully, nothing stands in their way.

First, a word on the camps. Humans are kept in unlocked cages and fed carrots by twenty gentle zombies. As a result, they grow lean and tender. Yum yum, a zombie might say!



On the other end of the meadow is the revolutionary camp, filled with determined bros seeking to liberate the slaves from z'oppression (zombie oppression). Two bros are literally brothers, while others are just douchebags with eyebrow piercings and mohawks.

One bro enters the work camp and creates chaos. He befriends a creepy weirdo who creepily helps him escape. This man should be awarded the Oscar for creepiness. I was blown away by how unlikable he was in every scene!

Many inept zombies are killed in the process, including the mom and dad of some guy in a cabin. He organizes fancy dinner parties with old people and secretly funds the zombie work camp, which in turn provides him with vegetables for his dinner parties. This is like the Iran-Contra of the zombie world.

The plot wasn't the only "five star" thing about this movie. Zombie beheadings were numerous and satisfying in nature. The scene wipes were memorable triangles with "whoosh" noises that really made you feel like you were watching a movie. I like that!

All in all this was a pretty fantastic movie. I recognized many indie folk stars in the cast, as well as assorted other hipsters I know (I'm a pretty cool guy!). Richard D. James makes a surprise appearance as the creepy creepster who sucks. There is some nice eye candy in this movie, mostly in the form of females. I enjoyed the way guns were used, which was liberally.



I really can't say a whole lot about this movie. It's just one of those things you have to experience for yourself. You'll be dead to me if you don't watch this movie, whoever you are. Z-Wars is z'outrageous! "Five Stars."

Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991)

Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991) is a film about redemption. It stars everyone's favorite Swede, Dolph Lundgren. You may remember him from the band ABBA. It also stars Brandon Lee, everyone's favorite son of Bruce Lee. It also stars many Asians, who are subsequently killed.

Lee and Dolph are an unlikely duo. Dolph is a statuesque Swede fluent in Japanese and Lee is a total moron. Thankfully this works out somehow. Especially since they take on the entire Yakuza, who are dangerous cretins. They also enjoy taking baths together and watching Tia Carerre sing.

But back to the plot. You see, the Yakuza have "manufactured" a "drug" called "ice." This is worse than crack, according to a black lady. And if it reaches the US (which it has), it will be a pandemic (which it's not.... yet). Also the leader of the Yakuza killed Dolph's parents, and is Shang-Tsung from Mortal Kombat (199?). He wears flowery shirts and has a passion for ritual rape and decapitation. He is a complex man.

A lot of this movie involves Dolph ripping open shirts of other men. This left me satisfied, because there were too many shirts left buttoned. He is also nude in one scene, thankfully.

Similarly, Lee and Dolph whack on each other throughout the film. I'll leave this open to interpretation.

In terms of women, there are some. One of them is the aforementioned Tia Carrera, who is a singer. Even though she holds a huge shotgun, she kills no one in the film. Dolph is around to do the killing. He is the modern-day Pol Pot -- he killed so many Asians. Wow! "Five Stars."


As a disclaimer, I have many Asian friends. They have taught me their dragon ways, and I respect the culture. However, in terms of the Yakuza -- I have no sympathy.

What else is there to say about the plot? Lots, but I will skip it in favor of talking about Dolph's penis. It is gigantic, according to Brandon Lee. This is literally a line in the film. This left me satisfied, because I was extremely curious about Dolph Lundgren's girth.



To improve on the already multicultural element of the film (Japan meets Sweden!), there are black and Hispanic gangbangers too, as well as white trash bikers -- reminding us that criminal activity can bridge the racial divide and bring us together.

The action scenes are "five stars." The abundant nudity is "five stars." Decapitation is "five stars." But the most "five star" part of this film is the lessions it taught us.
1) Japanese people are very dangerous.
2) We must value people's sexual choices, especially that of Brandon "The Crow" Lee.
3) Diversity is an important part of a globalizing, multicultural world. If we learn to understand other people's differences, we may find ourselves appreciating and loving our own culture more! For example, I have converted my own house into a dojo, thanks to this film. It taught me a lot about the value of paper walls.



For these reasons and more, I am compelled to give Showdown in Little Tokyo a resounding "Five Stars." As they say in the land of the Japanese, "Bonzai!"

7 Mummies (2006)

7 Mummies (2006) is a movie about escaped convicts on the search for treasure! They find this treasure, buried deep in the Arizona desert, surrounded by mummies. What follows is an exciting tale of love, mummies, and betrayal.

This movie stars Noreaga, Danny Trejo, and the guy from Torque. You may know Noreaga from his raps, which are quite excellent, as is his acting, in this film.

Often, movies just have one mummy. This one had at least three, from what I could garner. Not only were they mummies, but they were martial arts mummies of the Jesuit persuasion. What a "five star" idea! It really adds a level of depth usually unseen in other mummy films, such as The Mummy (1999) starring Brendan "I hate mummies" Fraser.

Enough about mummies, let's talk about ghouls, baby! There are a lot of ghouls to be had, often in Old West-style outfits and Cradle of Filth-style makeup. Willie Nelson is briefly in this movie, or he is a relative of Willie Nelson (they look a lot alike!).

These four or so convicts are on the hunt for treasure. They develop a special bond with each other that may only be described as "touching." A woman is present and she falls in love with the lead convict, and who can blame her? He's gorgeous.

Danny Trejo pulls off another stunning performance. In this film, he foreshadows about the danger that will come to the convicts if they search for the treasure. Then he continues to laugh menacingly for several minutes. I really felt the emotion in his laugh. It made me think that the convicts were in for a bad surprise!



All of the action sequences were "five stars." I especially enjoyed how the sound stopped working briefly during the main action sequence. It really forced you to focus on the action at hand, and it was action-packed.

And talk about the music! It was like DJ Muggs and the rock band Saliva were just chilling one day, and decided to come together, to score a film. 7 Mummies was the film they scored!

Expect a lot of rapping, and guitar metal. It really heightens up the action, especially the last scene, which is a race between a motorcycle and a mummy on the horse. Who wins? You have to watch the movie to find out!

I like to keep my reviews (and my movies) PG-13, but I gotta say, the sex scenes were titillating! You can guess why, it has something to do with a certain female. But I won't ruin the scene for you. Just know, boys, you are in for a treat!

The film starts with two guys grunting and dragging a coffin, and ends the same way! Lets just say, I was grunting with satisfaction when the movie ended. Drag yourself to the movie store and rent this right away! You will not be dissapointed. 7 Mummies: "Five Stars!"

Double Team (1997)

Double Team is a movie starring Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman as a power couple determined to stop a shirtless terrorist from blowing up a baby. This is the ultimate "five star" movie. It has everything you would ever want, plus more.

To start off, Dennis Rodman is in this film. He is an actor. He brings his personality to the film and lights up the screen. Included with Dennis Rodman are his "five star" hair styles and basketball puns, reminding us that he is a man of many talents. Among them are acting and basketball.



Jean-Claude Van Damme is also in this movie. You may remember him from his recent film JCVD. He tackles a difficult role as a husband and father, as well as a trained homosexual. There are many parts in this film that lead one to speculate about Van Damme's supposed "homosexuality," especially a scene where he is having sex with a bathtub.

He and Rodman also have an unmistakable chemistry. A wife is also involved, but she is less important.

The most "five star" part of this movie is the abundance of glass-breaking. This will really blow you away. People go through glass often, almost in every scene. No one is ever cut by the glass, which is understandable since this movie stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dennis Rodman, men of steel.

The plot is incomprehensible, just how I like it. There are parts of this film that could be cut out and the story would make just as much sense, if not more. There is an entire sequence about a secret island/gay resort that is literally lifted from the film The Prisoner, another "five star" movie. On this island they monitor terrorist activities from their visors and comment about what they would do differently. This is an important service they provide under threat of underwater lasers.

Miraculously, Van Damme escapes via dangling from an airplane. This is a "five star" scene. He meets up with Rodman who is hanging out with transvestites in Belgium, and they decide to go skydiving.

I should also mention that they go skydiving inside an inflatable basketball. Talk about a "five star" idea. Again we are reminded that Dennis Rodman played for the Chicago Bulls at one point, before he became an accomplished actor.

What else is there? Lots. Lots of great scenes and explosive dialogue. Plus literal explosions, most of which involve Van Damme jumping in front of said explosions. Thankfully they carry him to safety every time.

In one explosion sequence, everyone is saved by a Coca-Cola vending machine. Thank G-d for Coca-Cola!

There are lots of reasons why Double Team (1997) is a "five star" movie. First, there is action. Second, there is high fashion. The soundtrack is a great mix of cinematic orchestra and gay dance anthems feat. Dennis Rodman. Van Damme kicked a tiger and Mickey Rourke, who is also in this film, has his shirt off most of the time (for the ladies).

I would highly recommend this film. I was satisfied near the end when the story was resolved and everyone got what they deserved, especially the one guy from the Island, who watched Dennis Rodman perform an amusing magic trick before driving away.

Bottom line: Great film. "Five Stars"